Cyclops and Wolverine get High
by Sunlit A Colony
Summary: Cyclops and Wolverine have a crazy adventure and Beast has a farting problem.
1. Default Chapter

**X-Men:  
Cyclops and Wolverine get High  
Chapter 1**

**Author's Note:  
**This is mainly based off of the X-Men cartoon that aired in the mid nineties on Fox.

* * *

It was a typical day at the Xavier School for Retarded Mutants. Morph was in the living room watching TV and smoking weed as usual. Just then Professor Xavier walked in... wait a minute. Xavier was walking? 

Morph turned around and looked in surprise as Xavier made his way over to the couch. Something was weird however, he was walking but his legs were moving like crazy puppet legs.

"What the hell..." exclaimed Morph but suddenly he realized what was going on. "Goddamn Professor, stop using your telekinesis to move your legs like that, its just freaky."

Professor Xavier looked kind of sad. "I was hopping you would think that a miracle had happened and I was healed."

"Nice try baldy but you can't fool me." said Morph, taking a puff on his joint.

Xavier "walked" over to the couch and plopped down next to Morph. He telekineticly kicked his legs up onto the table but they were in a strange position. He repositioned them again but still it wasn't right.

Morph just rolled his eyes as Xavier's legs were flopping all over the table in an attempt to cross them properly. Finally he got it right.

"So, what you watching Morph?" asked Xavier looking over at the TV to see a hot porno movie going on.

"The usual." said Morph.

It wasn't long until there was a huge bulge in Xavier's pants.

"Hey Morph..." said Xavier giving him a sly look.

"No! I am not shape shifting into a woman so you can screw me again!" shouted Morph.

"Aww come on. You had just as much fun as me last time." said Xavier trying to be persuasive.

"Fuck you I'm not doing it." said Morph harshly.

"Don't make me use my telepathy to force you to do it..." said Xavier threateningly.

Just then Beast walked up behind them.

"And what are you gentlemen doing this fine afternoon?" asked Beast cordially.

"Oh great, someone let the monkey out of its cage..." said Morph sarcastically.

"Now Morph thats not very nice." said Beast rubbing his head playfully.

"Don't touch me you ape face bastard!" shouted Morph.

"Fine then you stupid fucking asshole!" shouted Beast getting mad. His anger didn't last long however. "Well I'm going to get some crumpets and tea. I'll be back later."

As Beast was walking off an explosive fart slipped out of his ass. The entire mansion was shook by the force of it. Morph and Xavier were pretty much at ground zero and took the full force of the rancid blast. They were both thrown forward at the speed of sound, Morph's head was impaled into the TV screen, killing him instantly. Xavier was thrown out the window, flying straight past Cyclops who was pissing on the side of the mansion. Xavier hit the ground head first, his neck snapping and ending his life.

"Holy fucking shit what the fuck?" exclaimed Cyclops getting so excited he lost his aim and pissed on himself. "What the hell oh fuck yeah fucking shit yeah I'm the leader of the fucking X-Men now!" he shouted in excitement.

* * *

The next day the funeral for Xavier was held. Morph didn't get the benefit of a funeral because he was an asshole and Xavier was the only one who liked him anyway. All the X-Men were gathered out side the mansion in the woods outback where the X-Men's graveyard was. Beast wasn't present though, because he was now on the X-Men's most wanted list as an outlaw. Cyclops was leading the funeral service by saying a few words. 

"Oh my fuck shit yeah this guy died and now I'm your fucking leader now!" said Cyclops with as much emotion as he could muster. "Someone throw this guy's goddamn bastard corpse into the fucking hole thats right here."

Rouge tossed Xavier's rotting corpse into the hole.

"So does anyone have to take a shit? No use in a perfectly good hole going to waste after all." said Wolverine.

Several of the X-men took a dump in the hole then they covered it up with shovels. Just then however, Beast decided to poke his head out of the bushes to look around.

"Oh my god its Beast!" shouted Jubilee in horror.

"X-Men attack!" shouted Cyclops.

"Oh shit." said Beast.

Cyclops fired a ton of optic blasts at the bush while Storm shot some lighting at it. All the X-Men used their powers on the bush, hitting it with everything they had. After about five minutes they stopped, sure that Beast couldn't have survived such and onslaught. After that they all left Xavier's grave and went back to the mansion.

Back at the mansion Wolverine and Cyclops were ransacking Xavier's office, looking for something.

"Oh shit yeah fucking yeah!" shouted Cyclops. "I just found Xavier's porn collection! This is some good shit!"

"Shut up dumbass and keep looking!" shouted Wolverine digging through Xavier's desk, tossing aside tons of condoms.

Suddenly Wolverine found it, Xavier's drug dealer's phone number!

"Hell yeah, now we can enact our plan." said Wolverine with a smug grin.

"What plan?" said Cyclops.

Wolverine punched Cyclops in the stomach. "You dumb fuck, we're going to contact this drug dealer and meet up with him."

"Fucking yeah, we will get tons of weed!" shouted Cyclops excitedly.

"No moron, we are going to capture the guy and torture him until he tells us how to grow weed ourselves." said Wolverine. "Then not only will we have as much weed as we want but we can sell it too and get rich."

"Wow, you sure are smart Wolverine." said Cyclops in awe.

"Damn straight I am bub." said Wolverine. He then picked up the phone and dialed the number.

* * *

Upstairs in the mansion Rogue and Gambit were getting it on in Jubilee's bed when suddenly the phone rang. 

"Goddamn shit." cursed Gambit picking up the phone. "What he hell do you want?" he shouted.

"Hey bub, I wanna buy some drugs." said Wolverine.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" said Gambit getting more pissed.

"You are a fucking drug dealer aren't you? I want to buy some goddamn drugs from you!" shouted Wolverine.

"Uh well, ok." said Gambit, not understanding what the hell was going on.

"Good, meet me at the corner of 5th Avenue tomorrow at noon." said Wolverine, he then hung up the phone.

"How did it go?" asked Cyclops.

"Everything is going according to plan." said Wolverine. "That damn drug dealer had a stupid Cajun accent like Gambit heh."

"Hah what a dumbass!" said Cyclops.

* * *

Meanwhile upstairs... 

"What was that all about?" asked Rogue.

"That fucktard Wolverine thinks I'm a drug dealer." said Gambit, then suddenly he thought of something. "Wait a minute, if Jubilee's phone rang then it must mean that she is the drug dealer!"

"Oh my god!" exclaimed Rogue in shock.

Gambit leaped out of bed and searched the room, finally finding Jubilee's huge weed stash inside a over sized My Little Pony doll.

"I've got a plan..." said Gambit with an evil look in his eyes.

* * *

That night Cyclops lay in bed with Jean. He couldn't sleep, he was too excited about all the weed he was going to get tomorrow. He giggled like a little school girl then fell asleep. A few minutes later however the door to his room silently opened and a large shadowy figure snuck in. Suddenly there was a little pooting sound. 

Jean's eyes snapped open and she looked up, startled.

"Oh my god its Beast!" she screamed in terror, finding the furry mutant standing right over her side of the bed.

Cyclops woke up immediately, nearly freaking out.

"Oh shit!" thought Beast and he turned and ran. However he got so scared he let another fart slip.

The fart's power was insane, blowing the entire bed over and smashing it into the wall. Jean was crushed instantly and died. Cyclops used an optic blast to shoot the bed in half and began chasing after Beast even though he was buck naked. He chased Beast down the hall and several other X-Men saw him and began chasing Beast too.

"Don't let him get away!" shouted Cyclops but Beast was fucking fast.

Beast made it out of the mansion and into the woods where he finally lost the X-Men in the dense plant life. Cyclops was mad as hell, the sticker bushes had torn up his private parts pretty bad. Him and the other X-Men then made their way back to the mansion.

To Be Continued


	2. Chapter 2

New York. The Big Apple, the most well known city in the good ol' USA. What better city to find yourself passed out in an dark, creepy alleyway. Which is exactly where Rodrigo Rodriguez found himself...

"Oh fuck, where the fuck am I..." he moaned, waking to find himself in a puddle of his own puke... or was it?

It didn't really matter, he had a hell of a hang over and for all he knew the semen stain on his pants could have been his or the whore he fucked could have been a transvestite. But none of that mattered, for you see, Rodrigo was a mutant, and like all mutants he had a rough life. He didn't have any fancy powers, nothing you could use to get rich or anything. His particular mutation was his head, which was the head of a chihuahua. The kids at school had taken great pleasure in teasing him when his mutation had manifested itself in his early teens and he had been forced to drop out of school and jump the border, in search of his own personal holy grail, Xavier's School for Retarded Mutants. Unfortunately though he could speak English(or Angles as he liked to call it) perfectly well, he couldn't read it and there for had a hell of a time finding out the address. Fortunately several years ago Thor had told him that the school was somewhere near New York City(or the BIG NYC as he liked to call it). As Rodrigo slowly came too after another night of boozing it up he saw an altercation taking place on the corner...

"Alright, bub, where the fuck is drug dealer!?" shouted Wolverine, shaking a little 5 year old kid by the throat.

"Yeah you fucking fuck fuck fag fucker! Where the fucking place is he fucker!" chipped in Cyclops, pounding one fist into his other hand to be threatening.

Cyclops and Wolverine had parked the Blackbird in the middle of the street and were waiting for the drug dealer they had contacted to arrive on the corner of 5th Avenue. However, they weren't sure what he looked like so they were harassing every person that happened to come by. The scene was gradually becoming pure chaos, traffic was getting backed up and all the prostitutes were starting to freak. Lucky for them a cop showed up.

"Hey now, what teh hell is the meaning of this!?" said the cop, pointing his gun at Wolverine.

"Lol! You said "teh" ha ha." laughed Cyclops.

"Oh yeah well at least I didn't say "lol". " retorted the cop. "Now what the fuck are you two up too?"

"We're fucking super heroes you dumbass, just look at our brightly colored spandex!" said Wolverine.

Just then the cops gun went off, shooting Wolverine in the head, knocking him to the ground!

"Oh fuck! Oh shit, I'm so sorry, I thought I had the fucking safety on!" cried the officer, rushing over to see if Wolverine was ok. Wolverine picked himself up and shook his head a bit.

"Don't worry bub, I have an adamantium skeleton, I'm fine." said Wolverine.

"Oh geez, I was so worried, I could have lost my job!" replied the officer. "Well, as long as you guys aren't up to no good, like trying to buy drugs or something, I guess I'll be on my way."

With that the officer left the two superheros to their business and went to look for someone else to harass. Just then a shady guy in a brown trench coat showed up.

"Gambit, what the fucking hell shit are you doing here fucker?" asked Cyclops, clearly baffled by the appearance of the Cajun X-man.

"I hear you guys be lookin' for some weed mon ami." said Gambit cooly.

"Yeah, what the hell if we are bub?" replied Wolverine gruffly, not in the mood for funny business.

"Well maybe I got what you two boys want." replied Gambit, his lips curling into a lopsided grin.

"Oh my god, oh shit fuck! You have twelve year old naked girl fucking pictures!" exclaimed Cyclops lustfully.

"Dude, what the hell..." said Wolverine giving him a strange look.

"Oh shit oh fuck, man... I... he fucking tricked me! How dare you fucking trick me into saying something fucking like that shit Gambit!" shouted Cyclops.

"Whatever, so do you have any weed or not Gambit." said Wolverine losing his patience.

"Maybe I do mon ami, but the word on the street is that you gotta show a little "sometin sometin" to get a little "sometin sometin"." replied Gambit slyly.

"Go ahead Cyke, show him." said Wolverine.

"Sure thing Wolvie." said Cyclops pulling out a little bag of weed.

"There, we've showed you ours, now show us yours." said Wolverine. "Oh and Cyke, don't ever call me that again."

Gambit just smiled for a moment. It was a tricky smile, one that you would never want to see on the face of a Cajun standing in front of you. "Now Rogue!!" shouted Gambit, giving the hand signal.

Rogue immediately flew out of the deli across the street and grabbed the sack of weed from Cyclops.

"Hah, you fools fell for it!" shouted Gambit in triumph. "This weed is mine now mon ami!"

"Hold it right fucking there shit face!" shouted Cyclops producing a hand gun. "Don't fucking make me use this fucking shit!"

"Damn it!" thought Gambit, he hadn't expected Cyclops to be packing heat. "Lets not do anything irrational mon ami..." stuttered Gambit, sweat forming on his brow.

Just then Rogue began to fly off! "Sorry Remy but there was no other way!" she shouted as she took off.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!" cried Cyclops, opening fire. Unfortunately the bullet bounced off of Rogue's invincible body and hit Gambit right in the ass!

"Oh fuck my ass!" cried Gambit falling to the ground. Wolverine burst out laughing at the poor Cajun.

However just then the traffic jam had reached its limit and a guy by the name of Oliver decided to try and swerve around the car in front of him. In his haste he didn't notice the car coming straight towards him.

"Fuck! My crumpets!" he shouted, jerking the wheel and sending his car speeding onto the sidewalk to avoid a head on collision.

Wolverine looked up just in time to see Oliver's car slam right into him. The impact was brutal, throwing the Canadian mutant nearly ten feet, his body landing in the middle of the street.

"Wolvie nooooooooooooo!!" shouted Cyclops taking a few shots at Oliver for revenge but missing.

"Don't worry Cyke," said Wolverine slowly getting to his feet, "I have an adamantium skeleton... also I thought I told you not to call me Wolvie!"

"Oh fuck shit, sorry fuck..." said Cyclops apologetically.

Just then an huge pickup truck slammed straight into Wolverine! Wolverine was thrown back into a brick wall with enough impact to knock a few bricks loose. His body lay still and unmoving.

"Wolvie, noooooooooooooooooo!" cried Cyclops, the sight of his best friend being hit by a truck bringing a tear to his optic visor.

Wolverine began to stagger to his feet, his whole body shaky from the traumatic impact. "I... I'm fine... adamantium skeleton..." he muttered, shaking his head. "And Cyke, I'm warning you about this "Wolvie" thing..."

Just then a huge oil tanker truck slammed into him! bursting into flames and collapsing the entire building onto Wolverine!

"Oh my fucking god and Jesus too noooooooooooooo!!" cried out Cyclops falling to his knees in sorrow.

After a few seconds Wolverine pulled himself from the flaming rubble, his body a mess, all bruised up and bleeding and charred.

"Ad...adamantium skeleton..." he managed to gasp.

Just then a shadow appeared over his body, small at first but getting larger by the second. Suddenly there was a deafening impact as the Incredible Hulk landed on him!

"Oh geez, oh fuck, I just landed on something squishy..." muttered the Hulk. "Its so fucking hard to predict where I'm going to land after jumping a mile..."

"Oh nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnooo!" screamed Cyclops, but then realized it was the Hulk. "Oh hey man, long time no see!"

"Oh hey Cyke, what up dude. Where's Wolvie, you too are usually inseparable." replied the Hulk, giving Cyke a friendly wave.

"Uh, oh yeah, shit uh, I guess, your fucking standing on him..." replied Cyclops.

"Oh fuck, so thats what that was." said the Hulk lifting up his foot, Wolverine's body stuck to it. "Don't worry, just let me get him off, this happens every now and again."

The Hulk pulled an iron pipe from the flaming wreckage and with some effort managed to pry Wolverine off his foot.

"Well its been nice chatting boys but I've gotta go make another crappy movie. Later." said the Hulk jumping off into the distance.

"A... da... ma...ntium... skele...ton..." gasped Wolverine.

"Holy mother of shit, your still fucking alive and shit!" exclaimed Cyclops. "Fortunately by my calculations, the Hulk landing on you was a one in 57 bazillion to one chance. So nothing else bad should land on you Wolvie."

"Cyke... i'm going to fucking kill you... if you call me that one more time..." stuttered Wolverine, trying to get to his feet.

Just then a jumbo jet crashed right into him and burst into a huge fiery explosion.

Meanwhile nearby Gambit was laying on the ground crying from his gunshot wound to the ass, but that wasn't all he had to worry about.

"Hey, I smell somethin' burning and it don' smell like gumbo mon ami..." he said getting a smell of the air. Then he noticed his coat was on fire, some of the flaming rubble must have gotten on it and set it ablaze. He began screaming and panicking, not being able to get his coat off due to the gunshot wound in his ass. It began to look grim for him as the flames spread, his death imminent...

"I'll help you senior!" shouted Rodrigo, rushing from the ally to Gambit. He quickly pulled the flaming coat off of Gambit.

"Oh thanks mon ami... you saved my... holy mother Mary, what the hell is wrong with your face!" shouted Gambit, scooting back.

A sad look came over Rodrigo, as if he had experienced such a reaction before. "I... I'm a mutant senior..." he said quietly. "Please don't hate and fear me."

"Don't worry mon ami. I am too." said Gambit getting to his feet, wincing in pain a bit. "Since you saved my life, how would you like to be a member of the X-Men!"

"The X-Men... I don't know... I mean I saw one of you guys on the news not to long ago being arrested for posing as Brad Pitt just so he could fuck Angelina Jolie while she was pregnant..." replied Rodrigo, unsure of the offer.

"Bah, thats just Morph he's an asshole." said Gambit. "I assure you he doesn't represent our team mon ami. Besides, I'm pretty sure he died yesterday."

"Oh, well in that case I might be interested." said Rodrigo. "I'll have to think it over."

"Thats cool mon ami, why don't you come back to the mansion and meet our leader Professor-X." replied Gambit.

"That sounds good senior." said Rodrigo and they shook hands like manly men.

Across the street looking out the window on the top floor of a huge penthouse was Jubilee, naked. She smirked as she watched the events unfold before her. "Excellent." she said evilly. "My drug empire will flourish in this abominable city and at last I will be... a god..."

"Hey, sweet n' sour, get your lovely young ass over here said a fat over weight guy laying on an ornate bed.

Jubilee bowed deeply Asian style. "Me sorry. Me love you long time!" she said. "Sucky sucky, 5 dolla!"

"Thats right my little lotus blossom now get to it!" said the man.

Jubilee smiled and went about her task, but she wasn't thinking of the fat guy doing her, she was thinking about how her plan was coming along and she wouldn't have to prostitute herself to afford tuition at Xavier's School for Retarded Mutants... one day... one day... soon.


End file.
